Not All Grief Comes with a Funeral: Understanding Non-Death (Living) Loss
By Rev. Lisa Connors, Founding Member of Grief Coaching Alliance
There is a kind of grief that does not come with a hearse, sympathy cards, flower arrangements, a repast, bereavement leave, or public acknowledgment that something so sacred has ended.
There is no sharing with others.
There is no socially approved way to fall apart.
There is no validation of the loss.
Like death loss, it hurts, it aches, there is a void, and there is pain. There are quiet moments when no one knows what you might be feeling. In unlikely places, people may feel the hurt, pain, and aches in those quiet moments. In grocery store aisles. In family gatherings. In the shower. In the car. In the middle of the night, when one’s mind replays what was and what will never be. This grief is often invisible to everyone but the person who is grieving.
This loss is called non-death loss or living loss, grieving the loss of anything
significant to a person’s physical, psychological, spiritual, and interpersonal lives are present. It is when a person whose marriage did not survive, and there are lost memories, companionship, and the future that they thought would be forever. The child you desired, but the only thing you see is an empty room, an unopened possibility, the milestones that exist only in your imagination. A body that no longer works the same, the loss of strength, cognition, and the loss of identity wrapped around who you used to be, and parent who is still alive but emotionally absent. Grieving someone who exists, but not in the way you needed.
You can grieve friendships that did not close, communities that once felt like home, routines that were a part of your life, beliefs that once grounded you, careers that defined you, and dreams that quietly expired.
It is grief that society does not recognize, validate, or acknowledge.
It is the kind of grief society tries to fix with:
"At least…"
"You know everything happens for a reason."
"You'll find someone else."
"Just stay positive."
"It could be worse."
It is grief that gets minimized and nullified because no one died.
But something did.
A future.
A role.
A relationship.
A hope.
A version of yourself you thought would last.
People do not always have moments to grieve these unseen or unheard losses, and they often grieve alone for fear of being judged, criticized, or stigmatized.
When no one can name your pain, you start to question it, thinking that it is not worthy of grieving. While it may not matter to others, it matters to you: It was your loss.
Whatever the loss:
You are not weak.
You are not "stuck."
You are not a failure.
You are not broken for still feeling it.
You are grieving.
And grieving something socially invisible can make you feel invisible, too.
The pain felt from the loss is legitimate. It is important that we not only reserve grief for death losses. Grief is a natural and normal response to all losses.
And loss comes in many forms: where some losses close a casket, close a chapter, and close a door that you were never ready to shut.
Yet, all of them deserve gentleness and acknowledgment.
Including yours.
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References
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.
Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
Doka, K. J. (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice. Research Press.
Gitterman, A., & Knight, C. (2019). Non-death Loss: Grieving for the Loss of Familiar Place
and for Precious Time and Associated Opportunities. Clinical Social Work Journal, 47, 147-155 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-018-0682-5
Sweetman, A., & O’Donnell, S. (2020). Non-death loss and grief. Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy, 20(3), 8-13.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
